Saturday, March 7, 2009

A Nefarious Plot

I have discovered a Very Frightening Thing.

Those who know me would never describe me as a conspiracy theorist (Please ignore the bomb shelter, arsenal and years food supply. They're for personal use only. I swear).

All that notwithstanding, I have stumbled upon a discovery so shocking, so frightening, so terrifying in it's sheer scope that I hesitate to mention it. Of course then I'd have nothing to talk about so forget I said that part about not mentioning it.

Ready? Ok, here it is.

My dogs drool heavy water.

That's right, heavy water. The stuff needed to make nuclear weapons. Right here in my dogs water bowl.

How did I make this monumental and world altering discovery? Let me explain.

I have 2 brain damaged Black Labs. Of course saying your Lab is brain damaged is a little like saying the sun is hot. They just naturally go together. Labs. Brain Damaged. Redundant.

Anywho. These 2 dogs go through water like a dying man in the Sahara. Oh, they don't actually drink it but they instead do a messy imitation by plunging their faces into the bowls while making lapping, slurping noises and somehow managing to swamp the floor and surrounding walls to a height of 6 feet. So much so that we are required to refill their bowls approximately 17 times a day. With much mopping. I always wondered why.

I wonder no more.

It was during one of these interminable bowl refills that I made The Discovery.

When finished "drinking" they made a crucial error in their nefarious plans. They left some of the "water" in the bottom of their bowls. When did this go from a simple case of excreting a substance necessary to the construction of weapons capable of destroying Hoboken, New Jersey to a plan for world domination? When I caught Trooper giving me the stink eye when he caught me making The Discovery.

It was pretty disgusting to look at. Some water mixed with floating bits of kibble, cookies, grass and various unidentifiable bits that Labs just naturally try to eat but can't quite seem to get out of their gums. Then I looked closer.

Don't ask me why I decided to take a closer look at this noxious mess, I don't really know. Maybe it was divine inspiration. Maybe it was my keen interest in broadening my mind. Maybe I was just bored.

In any case, take a closer look I did. And what did I see? I saw a clear substance floating in the bottom of the pan. Similiar to but heavier than water. You see where I'm going with this. Clarity struck me like a groin kick from an angry prostitute in stiletto heels (Again, please don't ask). It was obviously that fabled substance of story and song, Heavy Water.

My hands shook as the realization sunk in. My dogs drool Heavy Water. How? Why? I was dizzy with questions. It may have been the cough syrup but whatever. The point is that I was dizzy.

What to do now? Did the dogs know that I knew. I didn't know if they knew. Or that I knew that they might know that I suspected that they drooled Heavy Water. Would they kill me quick or just lick my face until I died of radioactive dog cooties? I can't begin to tell you how frightened I was. Well, I could but the Nyquil was starting to kick in about then and things got a little fuzzy for a while there. But I'm certain I was scared. Quite certain.

The happy looks on their water drenched faces didn't fool me for a minute. They were riveted to my every action. Almost as if they were watching me to make sure I didn't make any sudden moves toward the cookie jar.

I decided to go the casual route. I only pretended to pour the water down the drain while what I really did was pour it into a glass I had left in the sink. It had some dried milk from a few days before but what the hey. Any container in an emergency as my old Pappy used to say. Pretty peculiar guy, that Pappy.

I then carefully rinsed the pans and filled them with normal tap water. About this time is when I noticed Trooper (aka The Muscle) giving me the stink eye. It was unmistakeable. Stink eye. Right there in my kitchen. Chrisi (The Brains) pretended casual indifference but there was definitely a "look" between them. A "now we're gonna have to kill him" kinda look.

I feigned a casual indifference while leaving a water trail across the floor as I carried their pans back to their spot in the kitchen. Both dogs quickly scampered over and very carefully inspected each one, taking turns and going back and forth many times. Satisfied that there were no traces left of their special drool, they wandered off to sleep. I think that Heavy Water production must be draining. That would explain the daily 22 hour "naps".

I was certain. My dogs somehow managed to convert normal, "Light" into nefarious Heavy Water by some hitherto unknown Special Labrador Drool Gland. Probably by combining the water with some other, seemingly harmless substance. I suspect the pigs ears.

Later that night, as each was busy munching on their nightly pigs ear (See!!!), I quietly stole back into the kitchen and recovered the evidence. It's in the freezer right now, it's damning milky heaviness taunting me. Are they stockpiling this Heavy Drool? Is this a terrorist attempt to build The Bomb? The insane experiment of some mad scientist? A plot by the Canine Mafia to take over the world?

Or is it just the lunatic ravings of a mind pickled on Benadryl and Mountain Dew?

Man, I gotta get rid of that glass before Lu sees it. She'll freak.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Only someone who knows these two dogs could fully understand. I'm suprised you haven't noticed this drool before. Have you never watched them as you offer a treat then pull it away. Yeah I know i'm talken cruelty to animals. But if you was paying attention you'd have noticed those long stringy ropes of drool that hangs to their knees. I really dont' think this is any sort of a K-9 threat, though I do feel that a sober inspection would reviel a drooling dog is a happy dog.

Love YA