So I finally pulled the plug. Retired. Done. Unemployed but still collecting a paycheck. Old. Well, advanced middle aged anyway.
I'm uneasy about it. I mean, I've been in one uniform or another for the last 33 years. Going from 100 to 0 just ain't in the cards. In that vein, I'm ramping up the training and workouts to a whole new level.
So, I'm kicking off FiftyFit. How fit can a 50ish year old guy get? Especially one as lazy as I am. Heh heh.
Don't get me wrong. I've got a lot on the old plata. 2 houses in different states. 1 to get ready for renting and the other for our occupancy. For those interested we'll be moving from california to utah sometime this year.
I'm working on the ole diet thing. Luckily my daughter is schooled in such and is way smarter than I am. She and the grandkids are visiting next for month for 6 weeks or so (and here's to 'or so' lasting until, oh maybe 2011). While she's here we'll be riding, spending time in the gym and refining my diet. That means she's going to beat me about the head and shoulders until I give up bad stuff. The definition of 'bad stuff' will surely make me cry but she won't care. Meanie.
My 2010 goals?
1. I'm currently at 240 pounds (down from the 250's last year). I want to get to 215. That's 25 pounds. Imminently doable, especially considering how Gene at
http://100poundsago.wordpress.com/ lost 90 friggin' pounds last year. Makes me feel like a wuss.
2. Ride a Century. There's one in my new hometown of St. George, Utah next month. Perfect. Yeah, I won't be ready. But I will do one this year. I vow.
3. In light of goal number 2 above I definitely need a new bicycle. It's for my health and everything. I mean, I really need a new one. Really. I have a Gary Fisher MTB and a Giant TCR2 road bike. I have to say the Gary Fisher just fits me better even though I'd buy another Giant in a second.
4. I can't think of anything else right now but rest assured I have many more goals I will accomplish this year. Many more. All of them all epic and cool and stuff.
In the meantime Lu and I are going riding tomorrow, weather permitting.
I'll post pictures.
Six
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Part V The End
I really struggled with the ending. I actually wrote a different one before deciding on this ending. I hope you like it. I am frankly relieved to have this out of my system. Maybe I can get back to blogging about bicycles and riding again!
Six
Firth came to with his head in the Axon Auto Medic ‘Guaranteed Soothing Or Your Money Back.’ He pushed it away and was greeted by the grinning face of Starth. “Hey hero. You finally awake?”
Firth jerked away and dropped to the floor. He scuttled into a corner and looked wildly around the room. “Where is he? Where the hell is he?”
Starth’s grin grew wider. “Relax man. He’s back in the bathroom sleeping like a baby. What’s the matter, you scared?”
Firth relaxed. Slightly. “You weren’t there. Or rather you were there, but you were passed out. You didn’t see. It was life and death man. If I hadn’t zapped him he’d have killed both of us.”
Starth’s smile wavered and was replaced by a hurt look. “Hey now, I didn’t pass out, I hit my head on something.”
“I hit my head on something” Firth shot back. “You just passed out.”
“Yeah, hit your head on the upper bulkhead when you practically jumped out of your skin” Starth teased.
Firth sniffed. “Screw you pal. I’m the one who saved us both from another one of your schemes gone bad. You laid there on the floor and left me to deal with the human so just piss off.”
“Now, now. Don’t get your panties in a wad. Who knows who’s head hit what and who’s didn’t. Besides, it doesn’t matter. I’ve got him locked up in the bathroom as just as soon as you ‘recover’ we can send him back and find someone else.”
Firth slumped into a control chair. “You’re a menace Starth. You know that don’t you? I mean, you have to at least suspect that you are in fact certifiable.”
Starth laughed. “That’s why I let you hang out with me Firth. You’re always such a ray of sunshine.”
Firth sighed in resignation. “What now?” he asked.
“Now we go back to where we picked the doofus up, drop him off and try again.”
“Did the brain ray work? I mean, I know I hit him with it but he acted kinda funny. Like it wasn’t working quite right or something.”
Starth’s smirk was back on full power. “Will you relax? You hit him with it didn’t you? He’s out isn’t he? What’s to worry? It worked and now all we have to do is put him back and go on our merry way. No one will ever know. Now go back to the controls for the zapper and get ready. Trust me”
Firth rose with yet another long sigh. ‘Man’ he thought ‘Will this day never end?’
**
Luster awoke on the ground next to his pickup, a half remembered dream fading away. ‘What the hail?’ He spent minutes scratching at his grease stained pate, willing the vision to return but without success. He looked around and took stock. He was stopped in the middle of the road, lights on and engine still running. He had no memory of why, when or even how. He saw the empty beer cans scattered around the ground and came to the logical conclusion. ‘Man, I shore musta tied one on las’ night.’ He filed it away as useless information. He levered himself off the ground, looking for all the world like a scarecrow rising for a new day. He looked around again, his face a moue of concentration. Something had happened but he just couldn’t put his finger on it. Something about a bathroom and some midgets poking him with sticks or…..or was it a dream? A stranger to introspection, Luster damned the dreams to whatever hell they were from, climbed back into the ancient truck and headed for home and perhaps a taste of the high life. Though he’d take what he could get.
But as he drove away, Luster kept returning to the half remembered dreams…
**
High overhead an argument was taking place.
“Maybe you’re on to something Firth. UFO groupie. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
“I just want to go home Starth. I’ve had enough for one day. We’re already late as it is. Let’s just chalk all this up to experience and try again next year. Besides, I’m still worried. I can’t shake the feeling that there was something funny about that memory eraser. I don’t think it worked like it was supposed to.”
“Look man, it worked. Ok? We’re in the clear so stop with the whining. Now we’ve come this far and I’m not going home without scoring. That dude didn’t work out but somebody, somewhere on this miserable planet has got to have some beer. And we’re gonna get some.”
**
6 Months Later
“Good evening America and welcome to the highest rated early morning radio show in the country. It’s Border to Border and I’m your host, Buck Bently.”
“Folks, have we got a show for you. First up is a man who’s had a near death experience, during which he says he was taken to Hell, tormented by small, gray demons and then rescued by God in a beam of pure light. So let’s get right to it. Luster, are you there my friend?”
“I shore am Buckster and it’s a downraht pleasure to be a speakin. To ya’ll tonight.”
“Luster, tell us about what Hell is like.”
“Well Buckster I ain’t never been so scart in all muh life. See, the entrance to Hail is really a bathroom. A white bathroom and……”
The End
Six
Firth came to with his head in the Axon Auto Medic ‘Guaranteed Soothing Or Your Money Back.’ He pushed it away and was greeted by the grinning face of Starth. “Hey hero. You finally awake?”
Firth jerked away and dropped to the floor. He scuttled into a corner and looked wildly around the room. “Where is he? Where the hell is he?”
Starth’s grin grew wider. “Relax man. He’s back in the bathroom sleeping like a baby. What’s the matter, you scared?”
Firth relaxed. Slightly. “You weren’t there. Or rather you were there, but you were passed out. You didn’t see. It was life and death man. If I hadn’t zapped him he’d have killed both of us.”
Starth’s smile wavered and was replaced by a hurt look. “Hey now, I didn’t pass out, I hit my head on something.”
“I hit my head on something” Firth shot back. “You just passed out.”
“Yeah, hit your head on the upper bulkhead when you practically jumped out of your skin” Starth teased.
Firth sniffed. “Screw you pal. I’m the one who saved us both from another one of your schemes gone bad. You laid there on the floor and left me to deal with the human so just piss off.”
“Now, now. Don’t get your panties in a wad. Who knows who’s head hit what and who’s didn’t. Besides, it doesn’t matter. I’ve got him locked up in the bathroom as just as soon as you ‘recover’ we can send him back and find someone else.”
Firth slumped into a control chair. “You’re a menace Starth. You know that don’t you? I mean, you have to at least suspect that you are in fact certifiable.”
Starth laughed. “That’s why I let you hang out with me Firth. You’re always such a ray of sunshine.”
Firth sighed in resignation. “What now?” he asked.
“Now we go back to where we picked the doofus up, drop him off and try again.”
“Did the brain ray work? I mean, I know I hit him with it but he acted kinda funny. Like it wasn’t working quite right or something.”
Starth’s smirk was back on full power. “Will you relax? You hit him with it didn’t you? He’s out isn’t he? What’s to worry? It worked and now all we have to do is put him back and go on our merry way. No one will ever know. Now go back to the controls for the zapper and get ready. Trust me”
Firth rose with yet another long sigh. ‘Man’ he thought ‘Will this day never end?’
**
Luster awoke on the ground next to his pickup, a half remembered dream fading away. ‘What the hail?’ He spent minutes scratching at his grease stained pate, willing the vision to return but without success. He looked around and took stock. He was stopped in the middle of the road, lights on and engine still running. He had no memory of why, when or even how. He saw the empty beer cans scattered around the ground and came to the logical conclusion. ‘Man, I shore musta tied one on las’ night.’ He filed it away as useless information. He levered himself off the ground, looking for all the world like a scarecrow rising for a new day. He looked around again, his face a moue of concentration. Something had happened but he just couldn’t put his finger on it. Something about a bathroom and some midgets poking him with sticks or…..or was it a dream? A stranger to introspection, Luster damned the dreams to whatever hell they were from, climbed back into the ancient truck and headed for home and perhaps a taste of the high life. Though he’d take what he could get.
But as he drove away, Luster kept returning to the half remembered dreams…
**
High overhead an argument was taking place.
“Maybe you’re on to something Firth. UFO groupie. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
“I just want to go home Starth. I’ve had enough for one day. We’re already late as it is. Let’s just chalk all this up to experience and try again next year. Besides, I’m still worried. I can’t shake the feeling that there was something funny about that memory eraser. I don’t think it worked like it was supposed to.”
“Look man, it worked. Ok? We’re in the clear so stop with the whining. Now we’ve come this far and I’m not going home without scoring. That dude didn’t work out but somebody, somewhere on this miserable planet has got to have some beer. And we’re gonna get some.”
**
6 Months Later
“Good evening America and welcome to the highest rated early morning radio show in the country. It’s Border to Border and I’m your host, Buck Bently.”
“Folks, have we got a show for you. First up is a man who’s had a near death experience, during which he says he was taken to Hell, tormented by small, gray demons and then rescued by God in a beam of pure light. So let’s get right to it. Luster, are you there my friend?”
“I shore am Buckster and it’s a downraht pleasure to be a speakin. To ya’ll tonight.”
“Luster, tell us about what Hell is like.”
“Well Buckster I ain’t never been so scart in all muh life. See, the entrance to Hail is really a bathroom. A white bathroom and……”
The End
Part IV
The story is now finished. Part V will be the last. I'll post it tomorrow.
I can't believe I actually finished this thing.
Six
The poking ceased, the dreams faded and Luster clawed his painful way back to wakefulness. As he woke, Luster could hear a conversation between two people he couldn’t yet see. It was the same language he’d heard before. Maybe it was them ayrabs. Or the messicans. ‘Speak English you bastards.’ he thought. Crap, I knew I shoulda learned to hablo that espanishola’.
Luster sat up as the memory of where he was suddenly crashed down on him. He looked around him and again took stock. ‘Crapper. It’s a goldurned crapper! I knowed it.’ Then Luster spied something he’d forgotten about. There was a door. And it was open. Luster looked and through the portal he saw a strange being. It looked like the ‘angel’ he’d seen before and it was evidently arguing with someone else across the room.
Cowardice was Luster’s middle name and damn all his momma for that. Still, he did tend to live up to the sobriquet. About the only thing that’d bring out his brave side was sobriety or the specter of sobriety and Luster was looking that particular monster square in the face at the moment. It was enough to motivate a man. ‘Besides, twernt no angels atall, just someone a funnin’ me.’
The gangling Luster rose from the floor like a puppet with half its strings cut. ‘Cain’t nobody treat me like ‘is’ he thought. ‘I gots my rahts’. Luster gathered up his dander and stomped toward the door, ready to give someone ‘a dang good what fer’. Unfortunately, Luster’s indignant march from the room was cut short by a second trip to his back. Luster shook his head and peered at the door for an explanation. He fought his way back to his feet, ducked his emaciated six foot frame and crabbed his way through the 4 four high door. With all the wounded dignity of a Baptist preacher’s mother turning down a request for an unmentionable sex act, Luster approached the small, gray being, leaned in and delivered his memorable line.
The small gray man, Luster was now certain they were small gray men, jumped three feet off the floor, slamming its head into the low ceiling. The second small, gray man simply fell over, dropping a strange device to the floor as it did so. Both were out cold. “Dad gum” he muttered. “Dad gum midgets, that’s what they is. Now who the hail would be a settin’ the midgets on me?” he wondered. Luster dimly remember as how some do gooder down to the welfare office had told him they were ‘little people’ and how he was not to call them midgets but political correctness was never Luster’s strength. Luster briefly wondered if maybe this was ‘all them welfare peoples a doin’’ but the thought went as fast as it appeared. Thinking wasn’t Luster’s strength either.
Luster wasn’t fazed. He smiled in satisfaction. “Serves you sumbiches raht. Kidnap a man and take away his beer. It’s agin the constitution! I’ll see yore asses in jail fer this!” Luster aimed a kick at the nearest. The kick missed by the four or five feet separating the two supine gray men. Luster cursed and tried again. This time he managed to send the strange device rattling across the floor. Satisfied at having regained his lost dignity, Luster spit once and began to explore. Maybe they had some booze?
Luster took a good look around the room. It was small, unadorned. ‘Not even a picture of someone’s momma on the wall’ he thought. He walked around for a bit, poking into this and that. There was nothing he recognized and, even worse, no beer! Luster felt himself starting to shake. ‘Oh Lor’, please don’t let me get the DT’s. Not now.’ Luster was determined, now more than ever, to find the door, get back to his truck and put the two small gray men out of his mind and as far away from him as he could.
It took several minutes of bumping into things before Luster noticed the second room. This one with a window. He shuffled over for a better look, fully expecting to see the familiar landscape of central Oklahoma and a way out of the cramped space. Instead he saw the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. It was blue and green and white all over. As Luster watched he saw a dark line approaching. Hidden in that shadow were points of light, like a thousand fireflies glued to black construction paper. He’d never even imagined anything so beautiful. He pressed his nose to the glass and whistled. A half remembered Sunday school lesson came to mind. “It’s Eden” he whispered. “The garden of Eden,”
Behind him, a small gray man stirred but Luster, enrapt, stared on.
**
Firth felt the black of unconsciousness lift. He woke to find himself lying on the deck, staring up at a hatch on the ceiling. He noticed it was a slightly different color than the rest of the ship. ‘Kinda off white’ he thought. ‘Maybe eggshell. Firth thought it extremely important but couldn’t say why. ‘I’m supposed to be doing something’ he thought. ‘But what?’ Firth thought and thought but the something stayed just out of reach. Tantalizingly close but beyond his touch. He rolled his head to his left and saw Starth, also lying on his back and facing the ceiling with unseeing eyes. He saw the Axon Memory Beam resting against the bulkhead wall where Luster had kicked it. He saw the pen door to the bathroom and it all came crashing down on him. ‘Oh yeah’ he thought. ‘I remember now.’
Firth took a surreptitious look around but didn’t see the human. Good. He tried to sit but his head felt like someone was trapped inside and desperate to get out. He slid across the deck to his friend. Firth took hold of thin arms and shook him as hard as he could. Starth barely moved.
“Starth. Starth. Come on man, wake up. Starth you rat bastard, this is all your fault now wake the hell up.” Nothing. ‘Now what?’ He spied the box again. ‘If I could just get to the brain ray we might still be able to get out of this.’ Firth didn’t dare stand so, taking another look for Luster; he started to crawl for the box.
Every pull with his arms and every push with his legs was an agony. His head was pounding now and he barely kept awake. Firth was sure he was about to die. ‘Great’ he thought. ‘I’ll never be able to leave my room again.’ Still, he had to try and salvage the situation. Slowly, inch, by painful inch, Firth made his way across the floor until at last, he reached his prize. He extended a hand and grasped his salvation with a cry of relief. He tugged at it to bring it to where ho could get to the controls. The thing was heavy and refused to budge. Firth, tiring quickly, gave one last pull with all the stringy muscle he had left and it suddenly shifted and sped toward him. Too late, he realized that it had come to rest partially on the floor and partially on the wall. When he pulled it away the back of the box, instead of sliding down, came crashing to the deck. The resounding noise sounded like a sonic boom to the now thoroughly scared youngster.
Fear galvanized Firth. His headache disappeared and he found new vigor as he scrambled at the controls. “Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit!” he screamed. “Work you stupid piece of junk!”
Luster’s reverie was broken by a soft sound. It was so faint that if he had not been standing quietly he’d have missed it. Still. “Mebbe them little fellers done woke up already.” Luster hitched up his faded and dirt encrusted jeans and started back. “Gonna have a little palaver with them boys.” Luster chortled. “Heh, heh. Little. I kill me.”
Firth was still madly slapping at switches when he heard the ponderous tread of Luster’s badly worn boots approaching. He was almost wild with terror. So much so that he missed the warning lights flashing out their messages of potential doom from the badly mishandled machine. As Luster rounded the wall, Firth pushed with all his might, lined the machine up in the general direction of the human as best he could and hit the transmit button.
Luster had time to see the small gray man huddled against the far wall, fiddling with the box. He opened his mouth to ‘commence the cussin’ but was struck short. A soft white light surrounded him and Luster began to relive his life.
Luster remembered his childhood. His Ma and Pa. His sister Gertie and his brother Lemuel. He remembered graduating 8th grade and how proud they’d all been. First one in the family to go so far. He remembered sneaking kisses with Cousin Flora at the family reunion and the first time they’d gone ‘all the way’. He remembered his first drink and all the drinks after. Every beer. Every shot of rotgut. The still he’d built from pipe he’d salvaged out of that condemned building. How the Sheriff’d come out yelling about ‘lead poisonin’ you dumbshit hillbilly’ or some such blather and took it all away but not before he’d squirreled away a fair stash. The rubbing alcohol. The paint thinner. All of it. Luster’s brain latched onto those memories like a rabid dog onto a dead possum and refused to let go. Luster tried to think of something else but couldn’t. The memories played back over and over in his head until he thought he’d go insane.
Then, blissful nothingness.
Firth watched as Luster crumpled into a softly snoring ball and finally took a long delayed breath. His body shuddered and his hands shook. He slumped back against the wall and let his fear drain away. “I’m gonna kill Starth.”
I can't believe I actually finished this thing.
Six
The poking ceased, the dreams faded and Luster clawed his painful way back to wakefulness. As he woke, Luster could hear a conversation between two people he couldn’t yet see. It was the same language he’d heard before. Maybe it was them ayrabs. Or the messicans. ‘Speak English you bastards.’ he thought. Crap, I knew I shoulda learned to hablo that espanishola’.
Luster sat up as the memory of where he was suddenly crashed down on him. He looked around him and again took stock. ‘Crapper. It’s a goldurned crapper! I knowed it.’ Then Luster spied something he’d forgotten about. There was a door. And it was open. Luster looked and through the portal he saw a strange being. It looked like the ‘angel’ he’d seen before and it was evidently arguing with someone else across the room.
Cowardice was Luster’s middle name and damn all his momma for that. Still, he did tend to live up to the sobriquet. About the only thing that’d bring out his brave side was sobriety or the specter of sobriety and Luster was looking that particular monster square in the face at the moment. It was enough to motivate a man. ‘Besides, twernt no angels atall, just someone a funnin’ me.’
The gangling Luster rose from the floor like a puppet with half its strings cut. ‘Cain’t nobody treat me like ‘is’ he thought. ‘I gots my rahts’. Luster gathered up his dander and stomped toward the door, ready to give someone ‘a dang good what fer’. Unfortunately, Luster’s indignant march from the room was cut short by a second trip to his back. Luster shook his head and peered at the door for an explanation. He fought his way back to his feet, ducked his emaciated six foot frame and crabbed his way through the 4 four high door. With all the wounded dignity of a Baptist preacher’s mother turning down a request for an unmentionable sex act, Luster approached the small, gray being, leaned in and delivered his memorable line.
The small gray man, Luster was now certain they were small gray men, jumped three feet off the floor, slamming its head into the low ceiling. The second small, gray man simply fell over, dropping a strange device to the floor as it did so. Both were out cold. “Dad gum” he muttered. “Dad gum midgets, that’s what they is. Now who the hail would be a settin’ the midgets on me?” he wondered. Luster dimly remember as how some do gooder down to the welfare office had told him they were ‘little people’ and how he was not to call them midgets but political correctness was never Luster’s strength. Luster briefly wondered if maybe this was ‘all them welfare peoples a doin’’ but the thought went as fast as it appeared. Thinking wasn’t Luster’s strength either.
Luster wasn’t fazed. He smiled in satisfaction. “Serves you sumbiches raht. Kidnap a man and take away his beer. It’s agin the constitution! I’ll see yore asses in jail fer this!” Luster aimed a kick at the nearest. The kick missed by the four or five feet separating the two supine gray men. Luster cursed and tried again. This time he managed to send the strange device rattling across the floor. Satisfied at having regained his lost dignity, Luster spit once and began to explore. Maybe they had some booze?
Luster took a good look around the room. It was small, unadorned. ‘Not even a picture of someone’s momma on the wall’ he thought. He walked around for a bit, poking into this and that. There was nothing he recognized and, even worse, no beer! Luster felt himself starting to shake. ‘Oh Lor’, please don’t let me get the DT’s. Not now.’ Luster was determined, now more than ever, to find the door, get back to his truck and put the two small gray men out of his mind and as far away from him as he could.
It took several minutes of bumping into things before Luster noticed the second room. This one with a window. He shuffled over for a better look, fully expecting to see the familiar landscape of central Oklahoma and a way out of the cramped space. Instead he saw the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. It was blue and green and white all over. As Luster watched he saw a dark line approaching. Hidden in that shadow were points of light, like a thousand fireflies glued to black construction paper. He’d never even imagined anything so beautiful. He pressed his nose to the glass and whistled. A half remembered Sunday school lesson came to mind. “It’s Eden” he whispered. “The garden of Eden,”
Behind him, a small gray man stirred but Luster, enrapt, stared on.
**
Firth felt the black of unconsciousness lift. He woke to find himself lying on the deck, staring up at a hatch on the ceiling. He noticed it was a slightly different color than the rest of the ship. ‘Kinda off white’ he thought. ‘Maybe eggshell. Firth thought it extremely important but couldn’t say why. ‘I’m supposed to be doing something’ he thought. ‘But what?’ Firth thought and thought but the something stayed just out of reach. Tantalizingly close but beyond his touch. He rolled his head to his left and saw Starth, also lying on his back and facing the ceiling with unseeing eyes. He saw the Axon Memory Beam resting against the bulkhead wall where Luster had kicked it. He saw the pen door to the bathroom and it all came crashing down on him. ‘Oh yeah’ he thought. ‘I remember now.’
Firth took a surreptitious look around but didn’t see the human. Good. He tried to sit but his head felt like someone was trapped inside and desperate to get out. He slid across the deck to his friend. Firth took hold of thin arms and shook him as hard as he could. Starth barely moved.
“Starth. Starth. Come on man, wake up. Starth you rat bastard, this is all your fault now wake the hell up.” Nothing. ‘Now what?’ He spied the box again. ‘If I could just get to the brain ray we might still be able to get out of this.’ Firth didn’t dare stand so, taking another look for Luster; he started to crawl for the box.
Every pull with his arms and every push with his legs was an agony. His head was pounding now and he barely kept awake. Firth was sure he was about to die. ‘Great’ he thought. ‘I’ll never be able to leave my room again.’ Still, he had to try and salvage the situation. Slowly, inch, by painful inch, Firth made his way across the floor until at last, he reached his prize. He extended a hand and grasped his salvation with a cry of relief. He tugged at it to bring it to where ho could get to the controls. The thing was heavy and refused to budge. Firth, tiring quickly, gave one last pull with all the stringy muscle he had left and it suddenly shifted and sped toward him. Too late, he realized that it had come to rest partially on the floor and partially on the wall. When he pulled it away the back of the box, instead of sliding down, came crashing to the deck. The resounding noise sounded like a sonic boom to the now thoroughly scared youngster.
Fear galvanized Firth. His headache disappeared and he found new vigor as he scrambled at the controls. “Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit!” he screamed. “Work you stupid piece of junk!”
Luster’s reverie was broken by a soft sound. It was so faint that if he had not been standing quietly he’d have missed it. Still. “Mebbe them little fellers done woke up already.” Luster hitched up his faded and dirt encrusted jeans and started back. “Gonna have a little palaver with them boys.” Luster chortled. “Heh, heh. Little. I kill me.”
Firth was still madly slapping at switches when he heard the ponderous tread of Luster’s badly worn boots approaching. He was almost wild with terror. So much so that he missed the warning lights flashing out their messages of potential doom from the badly mishandled machine. As Luster rounded the wall, Firth pushed with all his might, lined the machine up in the general direction of the human as best he could and hit the transmit button.
Luster had time to see the small gray man huddled against the far wall, fiddling with the box. He opened his mouth to ‘commence the cussin’ but was struck short. A soft white light surrounded him and Luster began to relive his life.
Luster remembered his childhood. His Ma and Pa. His sister Gertie and his brother Lemuel. He remembered graduating 8th grade and how proud they’d all been. First one in the family to go so far. He remembered sneaking kisses with Cousin Flora at the family reunion and the first time they’d gone ‘all the way’. He remembered his first drink and all the drinks after. Every beer. Every shot of rotgut. The still he’d built from pipe he’d salvaged out of that condemned building. How the Sheriff’d come out yelling about ‘lead poisonin’ you dumbshit hillbilly’ or some such blather and took it all away but not before he’d squirreled away a fair stash. The rubbing alcohol. The paint thinner. All of it. Luster’s brain latched onto those memories like a rabid dog onto a dead possum and refused to let go. Luster tried to think of something else but couldn’t. The memories played back over and over in his head until he thought he’d go insane.
Then, blissful nothingness.
Firth watched as Luster crumpled into a softly snoring ball and finally took a long delayed breath. His body shuddered and his hands shook. He slumped back against the wall and let his fear drain away. “I’m gonna kill Starth.”
Monday, January 25, 2010
Part III
The sense of despondency was palpable. The air was thick with the stench of failure. And the gastrointestinal passings of Luster of course. Firth lay sprawled on the control couch, contemplating the gently snoring human.
Starth squatted near Luster and poked him again with the long carbon pole he’d found in the emergency locker. As before, no response. “What now?”
Firth stared at him in growing anger. “How the hell would I know? This was all your idea. You think of something and do it quick. I can’t stand this smell.”
Starth poked again. “I’m thinking, I’m thinking. Don’t rush me.” Poke. Poke.
Suddenly, the human stirred and moaned. Starth screamed, dropped his poker and scrambled behind Firth’s couch. Firth snickered. “Don’t drop a load there Starth, smells bad enough in here already.”
Starth straightened and brushed away an imaginary speck of dust. “Screw you. I wasn’t scared, just startled a little.” He never took his eyes off the now quiescent human. “At least we know he’s still alive.”
Firth’s humor vanished as rapidly as it had occurred. “Oh he’s still alive alright but the main question still remains. What do we do now? Let’s brain ray this guy, dump him and go home. I’m sick of this planet and even sicker of you”
“Well, one thing’s for sure”, Starth quietly muttered, “We’re definitely not scoring off this guy.”
**
Starth grunted as he shifted the bulky device into place. In spite of miniaturization, the machine, an Axon Memory Beam, “Guaranteed Tumor Free Or Your Money Back!” was nearly as heavy as he. “How about a little help here?”
Firth didn’t even glance his way. He stood near Luster, the carbon rod in his hands, poised to strike, run or faint. As the situation called for. “Screw you Starth. I’m not taking my eyes off this guy.”
“I’m not taking my eyes off this guy” Starth mocked. “He’s been out for ages. What’s he gonna do? Suddenly come back to life, go on a rampage and kill us both? Please. I’m going to zap this guy, send him back down to his vehicle and then you and I are gonna find a new pigeon and score.”
Firth felt a spike of anger. He turned on his friend, the carbon rod clenched in a bony, gray fist. “Score?” he screamed. “Score? Just shut up Starth. This is all your fault. It’s your fault I’m here, watching a human lie comatose on the floor, his every body emanation more vile than the last. It’s your fault we missed the opportunity to score with a UFO groupie. It’s your fault that Deputy Sheriff took a pot shot at us. It’s your fault this maniac may wake up at any moment and rip us limb from limb. Everything is your fault. Now please be so kind as to shut the hell up, bring that thing here and let’s just get this done and leave.”
Starth was silent for only moments. “Pussy.”
Firth started a retort that stopped as he saw his friend’s eyes go big, his mouth framing a silent scream. Then he heard a voice coming from directly behind him.
“Whut the hailfire’s a goin’ on here?”
Firth screamed. Starth screamed and everything went black.
Starth squatted near Luster and poked him again with the long carbon pole he’d found in the emergency locker. As before, no response. “What now?”
Firth stared at him in growing anger. “How the hell would I know? This was all your idea. You think of something and do it quick. I can’t stand this smell.”
Starth poked again. “I’m thinking, I’m thinking. Don’t rush me.” Poke. Poke.
Suddenly, the human stirred and moaned. Starth screamed, dropped his poker and scrambled behind Firth’s couch. Firth snickered. “Don’t drop a load there Starth, smells bad enough in here already.”
Starth straightened and brushed away an imaginary speck of dust. “Screw you. I wasn’t scared, just startled a little.” He never took his eyes off the now quiescent human. “At least we know he’s still alive.”
Firth’s humor vanished as rapidly as it had occurred. “Oh he’s still alive alright but the main question still remains. What do we do now? Let’s brain ray this guy, dump him and go home. I’m sick of this planet and even sicker of you”
“Well, one thing’s for sure”, Starth quietly muttered, “We’re definitely not scoring off this guy.”
**
Starth grunted as he shifted the bulky device into place. In spite of miniaturization, the machine, an Axon Memory Beam, “Guaranteed Tumor Free Or Your Money Back!” was nearly as heavy as he. “How about a little help here?”
Firth didn’t even glance his way. He stood near Luster, the carbon rod in his hands, poised to strike, run or faint. As the situation called for. “Screw you Starth. I’m not taking my eyes off this guy.”
“I’m not taking my eyes off this guy” Starth mocked. “He’s been out for ages. What’s he gonna do? Suddenly come back to life, go on a rampage and kill us both? Please. I’m going to zap this guy, send him back down to his vehicle and then you and I are gonna find a new pigeon and score.”
Firth felt a spike of anger. He turned on his friend, the carbon rod clenched in a bony, gray fist. “Score?” he screamed. “Score? Just shut up Starth. This is all your fault. It’s your fault I’m here, watching a human lie comatose on the floor, his every body emanation more vile than the last. It’s your fault we missed the opportunity to score with a UFO groupie. It’s your fault that Deputy Sheriff took a pot shot at us. It’s your fault this maniac may wake up at any moment and rip us limb from limb. Everything is your fault. Now please be so kind as to shut the hell up, bring that thing here and let’s just get this done and leave.”
Starth was silent for only moments. “Pussy.”
Firth started a retort that stopped as he saw his friend’s eyes go big, his mouth framing a silent scream. Then he heard a voice coming from directly behind him.
“Whut the hailfire’s a goin’ on here?”
Firth screamed. Starth screamed and everything went black.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas
It truly is the most hallowed night and day of the year. Christians celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Yes, The Six is an unabashed, unapologetic and proud Christian man.
Being a Christian is as much a part of me as being a man. Faith is as much a part of my character as honor.
I am taking this night and day and putting all my cares and worries aside.
Instead, I will contemplate the gift of Jesus to all. Redemption.
May the Lord guide us all through another year. May he watch over and keep safe our warriors, police officers and firefighters serving in harms way. May he give comfort to their families and loved ones. May he bless each and every one of you.
I send my love and best wishes to each of you who have touched my life this past year.
Thank you my friends and Merry Christmas.
Six
Being a Christian is as much a part of me as being a man. Faith is as much a part of my character as honor.
I am taking this night and day and putting all my cares and worries aside.
Instead, I will contemplate the gift of Jesus to all. Redemption.
May the Lord guide us all through another year. May he watch over and keep safe our warriors, police officers and firefighters serving in harms way. May he give comfort to their families and loved ones. May he bless each and every one of you.
I send my love and best wishes to each of you who have touched my life this past year.
Thank you my friends and Merry Christmas.
Six
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Interlude
I'm temporarily interupting the program to bring you this story.
A few months ago I decided it would be great to get some of my friends from work together for a nice ride. The question was how? How to draw both active/experienced riders and novice/new riders out to a group ride? The answer was to stage a "Ride". Hence the First Annual Monterey Pedal Dawgs Quarter Century. Why Monterey Pedal Dawgs? Well I work for the MPD so....Hey, it was all I could think of and I got no help from the others. Lu and I did the grunt work, setting things up, getting the shirts printed, getting the food lined up, etc. Lu even made these great bibs. Nifty huh?
A few months ago I decided it would be great to get some of my friends from work together for a nice ride. The question was how? How to draw both active/experienced riders and novice/new riders out to a group ride? The answer was to stage a "Ride". Hence the First Annual Monterey Pedal Dawgs Quarter Century. Why Monterey Pedal Dawgs? Well I work for the MPD so....Hey, it was all I could think of and I got no help from the others. Lu and I did the grunt work, setting things up, getting the shirts printed, getting the food lined up, etc. Lu even made these great bibs. Nifty huh?
This is the group. 11 intrepid riders. Most were on MTB's of one stripe or another. Nothing more high tech than Lu and my Giant FCR2's. There were a lot of pedals without even cages. Lu and I had the only clips in the bunch,
This is my lovely wife, Linda Lu. Lu for short. What's she pointing at you ask? A very good question. She is most definitely not pointing at clear skies and warm sunshine. After unending days, weeks and yea verily even months of fantastic weather we woke up to cold and misty rain. Not Michigan weather I know but I don't want Gene to think we're complete wusses. We are, I just don't want him to know.
We met in the parking lot of the Ft. Ord Dunes State Park. It's on, well, the old Ft. Ord. Near where Stilwell Hall was for the historians out there. Yeah, that's me in the yellow. I'm a walking caution sign.
T-shirts. Get your t-shirts here.
And food. Can't forget the food. I thought there was plenty but when you get 11 people together after a 25 mile ride and most of them have never ridden anything like that mileage before, appetites are commesurate. Let's just say we had enough, barely. BBQ was by yours truly and my world famous Teriyaki chicken vanished like smoke on a windy day.
Good food, great people and a fantastic location made for a wonderful event if I do say so myself.
Everyone made the distance. We even handed out certificates of completion at the end. Why 25 miles? It's just at the edge of doable for novice riders but still a distance that experienced riders can get in a good workout if they push the pace. First place was my good friend Mike at 1 hour 44 minutes. Lu and I were together in second at 1 hour 53. Yeah, not exactly TDF but hey, the spectators seemed happy with the show.
What did I learn?
First, putting on a successful riding event is a lot of work. We had to get the start/finish location, ride the course to make sure of the mileage, name the club (we are so brand new), get the food and arrange for a chef (thank you), make bibs and certificates of completion, arrange for t-shirts, pick a date, pick another date, pick still a third date, get a photographer and timer (thankfully the same person, thanks Paula) and generally coordinate with all participants.
Second. It's a lot of fun. I mean a lot of fun. I highly encourage anyone with an interest to do one. Just get together with your friends/co-workers and do it. We took a 25 mile ride and made it a fun family event. We even got a couple of people involved who hadn't ridden in years. I gave them plenty of work up time to get ready but it was still no mans land for them. The pride they felt on completion was palpable.
We named this the First Annual Monterey Pedal Dawgs Quarter Century for a reason. I may be retiring soon but there will be a Second. I may have to come out here and coordinate it and if so I will. I intend for this to become a regular ride, open to anyone, and I'd like to incorporate a charity like LAF into it.
This is a doable thing for anyone with an interest. If you want to do one but need some pointers or advice please contact me and I'll help as much as I can. If your ride is reasonably close I'll come out and ride it with you.
I'll even BBQ some chicken.
Six
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Part II
Luster stumbled out of the cab of his truck in a circle of puke green light. He was followed by a clattering of empty beer cans. Luster knew they were empty because he had sipped each one in the hope of a few drops of that sweet, sweet nectar. He thought he had hit the jackpot on that last one but it had turned out to be piss from his last drunk. At least it had been his own. He hoped. As the light hit his bleary retinas he felt his gorge rise and again tasted the bitter acid of his own urine. He hawked, spat and shielded his eyes as he peered upward. “Whut the hail?” Luster could dimly see something approaching him from the sky and knew immediately what it was. He had four drunk driving convictions on his record, damn cops anyway, and hadn’t had a drivers license in decades. He knew a police helicopter when he saw one. Luster lifted a hand and extended a middle finger as he hollered his disdain for authority everywhere. “Kiss my ass you bastids, I’m sober!” He hoped.
**
Firth watched as the man exited the vehicle and waved in their direction. He nudged Starth. “What’s he doing?”
Starth was busy being engrossed in his own fantasies. He was imagining the stories he was going to tell about his masterful score. The chicks. The acclaim. He’d be cool beyond measure and to hell with Crath. He shook off his pleasant reverie. “What? How the hell would I know. Go get ready to beam this guy in and don’t screw it up. Put him in the bathroom.”
**
Luster was just beginning to doubt his assumptions about the identity of the approaching aircraft. It didn’t sound like no helicopter Luster had ever seen and Luster watched a lot of TV. He considered himself an expert on the subject, among many others. He felt a tingling all over his body and was suddenly afraid. He’d experienced this before. “Oh no. It’s the DT’s!” He began flapping his arms and running around the idling pickup, slapping at his body. “It’s the DT’s! It’s the bugs come back to eat me! Lor’ help me!”
**
Firth slapped the controls to the Axon Beamalyzer, ‘Guaranteed Mutation Free Or Your Money Back’, and watched through the bathroom door as the glow appeared.
**
Luster felt himself flying. His body was light as a feather and he could feel his spirit soaring skyward. It hit him like one of Lotties canes across the forehead. The light. The tingling. The flying. “Oh shit, I’m daid. Fergive me Lor’. I’s sorry for all my sinnin’ ways. Take me into the light Lor’, take me into the light.” As his eyes whited out, Luster opened his arms wide, prepared to feel Heaven’s embrace.
**
The first thing Firth noticed was the smell. He’d never met a human but they all couldn’t smell this bad. Could they? He quickly closed the door and looked to Starth, still seated at the controls. “Dude, this guy stinks.” Starth could only smirk.
**
Luster came to his senses and looked around. White room bathed in a warm light seemingly coming from everywhere. Yep, he was in Heaven. Well, probably Heavens waiting room. The room was kinda small though. Maybe there was separate interview rooms for each person. A place to talk your way into Heaven. Luster quivered in fear for a moment but it quickly passed. Luster had been on a job interview once. It was just like this. He’d gotten the job then hadn’t he? If anyone could talk his way into the Pearly Gates it was ol’ Luster. Luster took a seat on the only piece of furniture in the room and settled in to wait, already rehearsing in his mind.
**
Starth and Firth approached the bathroom with trepidation. In spite of all Starth’s big talk, they were young and inexperienced in the ways of the Universe. Starth pushed Firth forward. “Go ahead. Open it.”
Firth shied back. “No way. You do it. I saw him already. Smelled him too. This was your brilliant idea so you go ahead. Unless you’re scared?”
Starth was stung. “Scared? By a human? Please.” He felt the reassuring weight of the remote in his hand. “If he so much as jumps I’ll zap him back down and we’ll split, allright?”
Firth, remembering the size and smell of the man, shook his head. “Listen, this isn’t some UFOlogist here. This guy may be crazy. He may be dangerous. He for damn sure is empty handed. Let’s beam him back now and leave. That cult in Colorado is supposed to be meeting tonight. We do a fly by, pick one up and score for sure.”
Starth hissed in negation. “No you moron. It’s not the same. You know the rules. No fans, period.”
Firth nodded his head. “Ok, if that’s what you want. I just want to remind you of why we’re here. We’re here to score, nothing more, and this guy’s got nothing. If you’re only going for style points we may come up empty.”
Starth snorted. “Nothing on him but we haven’t checked his vehicle yet. Relax, it’ll work out. We’ll score but we’ll do it cool.”
**
Luster was getting nervous. Stone sober, or as close to it as he ever got, and now he was hearing things. It sounded like voices but voices speaking a language Luster couldn’t understand. Luster screwed up his courage and knocked on what was apparently the door to the Heavenly Interview Room. “Angels, can ya’all hear me? It’s me, Luster and Ah’m ready for them Pearly Gates now. Can we get on with this? Please? Hello? Angels, can ya’all hear me?” Nothing. Luster began to sweat. Maybe this wasn’t Heaven at all. Maybe this was Hell and this was Luster’s punishment. Stuck in a tiny room with only one seat and stone cold sober for all eternity. It was unthinkable. Not the room. Luster frankly couldn’t care less, but no Beer? He began to frantically hammer at the door. “Hey Angels! I cain’t understand your Angel talk but I reckon ya’all can unnerstand me so please let me explain. I’s sorry. I never meant any of it if ya’ll just give me another chance. Hello? Angels?”
**
Firth and Starth shared a long look. Starth broke the silence. “Angels? What is this guy talking about?”
It was Firth’s turn to laugh. “You should try studying sometime genius. It’s religion. This guy thinks we’re a part of their religious pantheon. Thinks he’s in Heaven or something. What a moron.”
Starth snickered. “Yeah. Wait, can we use this? Make him think if he doesn’t give us what we want he’ll be damned forever?”
Firth considered. “I don’t know dude. You know we’re not supposed to scare these people. Sometimes the Brain Ray doesn’t work right and they remember stuff. We might get into trouble. If we mess up our parents will freak. I don’t need to be grounded”
Starth slapped him on the arm. “Will you stop worrying? Our parents aren’t here and I pulled the fuse on the recording systems. Still, we better be careful. The Friendly Alien bit has worked before. Maybe we should just stick to what we practiced.”
Firth regarded the bathroom door, resounding from the heavy blows. “Yeah and hope this guy doesn’t kill us both.”
**
Luster plopped back down while the second lucid thought of the day penetrated his abnormally thick skull. He took in his surroundings again as he spoke to the walls. “This can’t be Heaven or hell. How did I die? What was that noise? A Green light? There has to be another explanation.” He noticed the top of the chair he was sitting on lifted up, hinged at the rear. He opened it and got a whiff of … something. Something foul. Something odoriferous in the extreme. Luster had never smelled anything exactly like it before but that didn’t throw him. He knew it when he smelled it because he had smelled a lot of it. “Is that …?”
**
Starth reached for the handle to the bathroom door. He looked to make sure Firth was set. “You ready dude?” Firth nodded. “Ok, here we go.” Starth flung open the door and he and Firth stepped in. They took up positions on either side of the doorway, raised their arms and pointed at the man, who was now laying on the floor. “You are our prisoner Earthman. Cooperate and you won’t be hurt. Oppose us at your peril!” A scream interrupted the speech.
**
Luster’s moment of coherence passed as the two beings stepped into the room. They were both small, no more than four feet high, with grey skin, large bulbous heads and black eyes. Luster screamed and fainted dead away, never even hearing the melodramatic words.
**
Firth was first to recover his wits. “Oh shit dude. I think we killed him. What are we gonna do now?”
Starth shook his head. “I don’t know. Is he really dead? Maybe you should check him.” He pushed Firth toward the supine man.
Firth backpedaled like he was being chased by the ugly girl. “Me? Hey, this is your deal. You do it.”
Starth shook his head again. “Not me. I’m not getting near him.” He waved a delicate hand past his nose holes. “Whew. Does he smell that way because he’s dead?”
Firth looked closer. “Well, he pretty much smelled that way when we brought him onboard and I’m sure he was alive then. Wait, his chest is moving. You got a med scanner?”
Starth looked his disdain at his companion. “It’s an Axon InterGalactic Z-Speedster man. It’s got everything. But it’s not programmed for humans.”
“It’s an Axon InterGalactic Z-Speedster. It’s got everything” Firth mimicked. “Everything except a something we actually need!”
Starth tried not to look hurt. “Hey, gotta have an adult code for the re-programming. It’s supposed to cut down on the genetic experimenting by the nerds. What do you want from me? He wasn’t supposed to do this.” Both paused as the man stirred, moaned and broke wind in a loud and noxious manner. Starth started waving at his nostrils again while trying to cover his face with a thin fingered hand. “Well, at least he isn’t dead.”
**
Luster was dimly aware of a pain in his side. It came and went. When it came he groaned awake and tried to get away from it. When it went he dropped back into his nightmare ridden sleep. The nightmare was a repeater. A grey, shambling horror was poking him with a skewer, as he rotated over a fire, smacking its lips and muttering “Mmmmm. Human.” Luster desperately wanted to wake up but his fear and booze ravaged brain simply refused to cooperate. He slept on.
**
**
Firth watched as the man exited the vehicle and waved in their direction. He nudged Starth. “What’s he doing?”
Starth was busy being engrossed in his own fantasies. He was imagining the stories he was going to tell about his masterful score. The chicks. The acclaim. He’d be cool beyond measure and to hell with Crath. He shook off his pleasant reverie. “What? How the hell would I know. Go get ready to beam this guy in and don’t screw it up. Put him in the bathroom.”
**
Luster was just beginning to doubt his assumptions about the identity of the approaching aircraft. It didn’t sound like no helicopter Luster had ever seen and Luster watched a lot of TV. He considered himself an expert on the subject, among many others. He felt a tingling all over his body and was suddenly afraid. He’d experienced this before. “Oh no. It’s the DT’s!” He began flapping his arms and running around the idling pickup, slapping at his body. “It’s the DT’s! It’s the bugs come back to eat me! Lor’ help me!”
**
Firth slapped the controls to the Axon Beamalyzer, ‘Guaranteed Mutation Free Or Your Money Back’, and watched through the bathroom door as the glow appeared.
**
Luster felt himself flying. His body was light as a feather and he could feel his spirit soaring skyward. It hit him like one of Lotties canes across the forehead. The light. The tingling. The flying. “Oh shit, I’m daid. Fergive me Lor’. I’s sorry for all my sinnin’ ways. Take me into the light Lor’, take me into the light.” As his eyes whited out, Luster opened his arms wide, prepared to feel Heaven’s embrace.
**
The first thing Firth noticed was the smell. He’d never met a human but they all couldn’t smell this bad. Could they? He quickly closed the door and looked to Starth, still seated at the controls. “Dude, this guy stinks.” Starth could only smirk.
**
Luster came to his senses and looked around. White room bathed in a warm light seemingly coming from everywhere. Yep, he was in Heaven. Well, probably Heavens waiting room. The room was kinda small though. Maybe there was separate interview rooms for each person. A place to talk your way into Heaven. Luster quivered in fear for a moment but it quickly passed. Luster had been on a job interview once. It was just like this. He’d gotten the job then hadn’t he? If anyone could talk his way into the Pearly Gates it was ol’ Luster. Luster took a seat on the only piece of furniture in the room and settled in to wait, already rehearsing in his mind.
**
Starth and Firth approached the bathroom with trepidation. In spite of all Starth’s big talk, they were young and inexperienced in the ways of the Universe. Starth pushed Firth forward. “Go ahead. Open it.”
Firth shied back. “No way. You do it. I saw him already. Smelled him too. This was your brilliant idea so you go ahead. Unless you’re scared?”
Starth was stung. “Scared? By a human? Please.” He felt the reassuring weight of the remote in his hand. “If he so much as jumps I’ll zap him back down and we’ll split, allright?”
Firth, remembering the size and smell of the man, shook his head. “Listen, this isn’t some UFOlogist here. This guy may be crazy. He may be dangerous. He for damn sure is empty handed. Let’s beam him back now and leave. That cult in Colorado is supposed to be meeting tonight. We do a fly by, pick one up and score for sure.”
Starth hissed in negation. “No you moron. It’s not the same. You know the rules. No fans, period.”
Firth nodded his head. “Ok, if that’s what you want. I just want to remind you of why we’re here. We’re here to score, nothing more, and this guy’s got nothing. If you’re only going for style points we may come up empty.”
Starth snorted. “Nothing on him but we haven’t checked his vehicle yet. Relax, it’ll work out. We’ll score but we’ll do it cool.”
**
Luster was getting nervous. Stone sober, or as close to it as he ever got, and now he was hearing things. It sounded like voices but voices speaking a language Luster couldn’t understand. Luster screwed up his courage and knocked on what was apparently the door to the Heavenly Interview Room. “Angels, can ya’all hear me? It’s me, Luster and Ah’m ready for them Pearly Gates now. Can we get on with this? Please? Hello? Angels, can ya’all hear me?” Nothing. Luster began to sweat. Maybe this wasn’t Heaven at all. Maybe this was Hell and this was Luster’s punishment. Stuck in a tiny room with only one seat and stone cold sober for all eternity. It was unthinkable. Not the room. Luster frankly couldn’t care less, but no Beer? He began to frantically hammer at the door. “Hey Angels! I cain’t understand your Angel talk but I reckon ya’all can unnerstand me so please let me explain. I’s sorry. I never meant any of it if ya’ll just give me another chance. Hello? Angels?”
**
Firth and Starth shared a long look. Starth broke the silence. “Angels? What is this guy talking about?”
It was Firth’s turn to laugh. “You should try studying sometime genius. It’s religion. This guy thinks we’re a part of their religious pantheon. Thinks he’s in Heaven or something. What a moron.”
Starth snickered. “Yeah. Wait, can we use this? Make him think if he doesn’t give us what we want he’ll be damned forever?”
Firth considered. “I don’t know dude. You know we’re not supposed to scare these people. Sometimes the Brain Ray doesn’t work right and they remember stuff. We might get into trouble. If we mess up our parents will freak. I don’t need to be grounded”
Starth slapped him on the arm. “Will you stop worrying? Our parents aren’t here and I pulled the fuse on the recording systems. Still, we better be careful. The Friendly Alien bit has worked before. Maybe we should just stick to what we practiced.”
Firth regarded the bathroom door, resounding from the heavy blows. “Yeah and hope this guy doesn’t kill us both.”
**
Luster plopped back down while the second lucid thought of the day penetrated his abnormally thick skull. He took in his surroundings again as he spoke to the walls. “This can’t be Heaven or hell. How did I die? What was that noise? A Green light? There has to be another explanation.” He noticed the top of the chair he was sitting on lifted up, hinged at the rear. He opened it and got a whiff of … something. Something foul. Something odoriferous in the extreme. Luster had never smelled anything exactly like it before but that didn’t throw him. He knew it when he smelled it because he had smelled a lot of it. “Is that …?”
**
Starth reached for the handle to the bathroom door. He looked to make sure Firth was set. “You ready dude?” Firth nodded. “Ok, here we go.” Starth flung open the door and he and Firth stepped in. They took up positions on either side of the doorway, raised their arms and pointed at the man, who was now laying on the floor. “You are our prisoner Earthman. Cooperate and you won’t be hurt. Oppose us at your peril!” A scream interrupted the speech.
**
Luster’s moment of coherence passed as the two beings stepped into the room. They were both small, no more than four feet high, with grey skin, large bulbous heads and black eyes. Luster screamed and fainted dead away, never even hearing the melodramatic words.
**
Firth was first to recover his wits. “Oh shit dude. I think we killed him. What are we gonna do now?”
Starth shook his head. “I don’t know. Is he really dead? Maybe you should check him.” He pushed Firth toward the supine man.
Firth backpedaled like he was being chased by the ugly girl. “Me? Hey, this is your deal. You do it.”
Starth shook his head again. “Not me. I’m not getting near him.” He waved a delicate hand past his nose holes. “Whew. Does he smell that way because he’s dead?”
Firth looked closer. “Well, he pretty much smelled that way when we brought him onboard and I’m sure he was alive then. Wait, his chest is moving. You got a med scanner?”
Starth looked his disdain at his companion. “It’s an Axon InterGalactic Z-Speedster man. It’s got everything. But it’s not programmed for humans.”
“It’s an Axon InterGalactic Z-Speedster. It’s got everything” Firth mimicked. “Everything except a something we actually need!”
Starth tried not to look hurt. “Hey, gotta have an adult code for the re-programming. It’s supposed to cut down on the genetic experimenting by the nerds. What do you want from me? He wasn’t supposed to do this.” Both paused as the man stirred, moaned and broke wind in a loud and noxious manner. Starth started waving at his nostrils again while trying to cover his face with a thin fingered hand. “Well, at least he isn’t dead.”
**
Luster was dimly aware of a pain in his side. It came and went. When it came he groaned awake and tried to get away from it. When it went he dropped back into his nightmare ridden sleep. The nightmare was a repeater. A grey, shambling horror was poking him with a skewer, as he rotated over a fire, smacking its lips and muttering “Mmmmm. Human.” Luster desperately wanted to wake up but his fear and booze ravaged brain simply refused to cooperate. He slept on.
**
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